On the weekend, I attended a two-day yoga workshop. I am already imagining the eye-rolling!!!! If it's just too "peace, love and everything groovy" for you, feel free to go straight to Woogsworld! If, on the other hand, you can't sleep, or you are feeling guilty about something and would like to indulge in a little self-flagellation, then ... read on!
The yoga workshop was split into four sessions over the two days. The morning sessions focused on the physical practice, while the afternoon sessions explored meditation and philosophy.
A woman by the name of Lucy Roberts ran the workshop. Right away, I liked her. She radiated a genuine warmth. Most importantly, she also had a sense of humour. I'm always a little afraid of "retreats" and "workshops"! I like to practise yoga, and I am interested in learning more about the spiritual side, but deep down I am more than a little cynical!
There was one thing that Lucy said, however, that really resonated with me. She was talking about meditation, a practice I have always struggled with! To say that I have an active mind is a huge understatement. My mind is the poster child for hyperactivity. My mind is the wise-cracking smartass who makes fun of everything, but, at the same time, desperately wants to embrace everything. I am terrified of my mind! I am terrified of looking inward!
Lucy described her meditation as a way for her to re-connect with herself. "Yes, yes," I thought. "I get the concept, but the trouble with me is I'm not sure I WANT to re-connect with myself! I haven't spent all these years running for nothing!" Then, Lucy said something that stopped me in my tracks.
She said that when she doesn't take time out to meditate, that she loses a connection with who she is, and sometimes that manifests itself in feelings of isolation. She explained that we sometimes attribute loneliness to not being around enough people, but that what we might be missing is ourselves!!! In that moment, it all made sense to me.
It's true that I have lost myself somewhere in life. And it's also true that I have been imagining that if only I had the right job, or was surrounded by the right people, or living in the right place, that happiness would fall into my lap! But, I think, Lucy is right. I have lost the truth of who I am. Who am I? I said in my bio for this blog that I am looking for myself! But I think I have been looking in all the wrong places! I have been searching for myself out in the world.
I need to stop looking outward and start confronting my own inner terror! I need to create more space and slow down. I need to quiet some of the noise in my head. I need to stop running and start sitting!